Hi. I’m Livia Scott. I know -oop, phone’s ringing! telemarketer- I know what you’re thinking, “Who the hell are you and why should I care?” Well, I’m LIVIA SCOTT and I’m a BIG DEAL. I have OVER 2,000 followers on Twitter and I only follow 772. I wish I could just eliminate about 672 of these so I look super cool but I’d probably get like 650 or so unfollows and I can’t afford that, ok? Anyway, I am a big deal. Steven Weber from Wings follows me and Good Morning America almost put my music video “I Like You Better On Facebook” on Good Morning America. So I’m a big deal. I’m not as big a deal as some other -Goodnight, get home safely! had to say bye to a co-worker there- some other people who were writers on tv shows that got cancelled or actors on tv shows that got picked up for a pilot but never made it to series, but I’m a big deal. People who used to make fun of me in high school locker rooms now kiss my ass publicly on Facebook and I don’t even rememeber who the hell they are. So I’m a big deal.
So I started reading Alec Baldwin’s article in Vulture, “Good-bye, Public Life” but couldn’t finish it. And because I am a big deal, I think the world would probably be really interested to know why. And if they’re not, but include a picture of myself with my boobs out a little, and make this somewhat funny WITHOUT TRYING TOO HARD /// THIS IS SO KEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then maybe some people will be like “hey this is” -Byyeee, have a good night! another co-worker- “this is great!” And unlike the digusting exploitation of the death of a star to get people to pay attention to them, this is me exploiting a jerk like Alec Baldwin who is alive and well and probably will be for some time to get people to pay attention to me, which is totally okay. Then maybe my imdb star meter might go up a little bit and a girl’s gotta do everything she can, right?
Oh and in case I didn’t mention it (I’m forgetting because I’m totally not trying hard at this or really care about it) but I’ve been profiled in The New York Times twice. yeah. not a big deal or anything but -have a good night! saying goodbye again- I have been and I’m a big deal.
So let’s get down to it. Should I make it a list? People love lists! NOT THAT I CARE!!!!
Why I’m Saying Good-bye, Reading About Why Alec Baldwin is saying Good-bye to Public Life
1. It’s long. I tried to read it but got bored.
2. I started to make a fun game out of it to keep me interested where I counted the number of self-compliments and got to 29 by the time he mentioned James Gandolfini’s funeral but then got bored again.
3. It was at about this time that I remembered that I don’t care about Alec Baldwin.
4. This was followed by me remembering that he called his 11 year old daughter a “nasty little pig.”
5. Which was followed by me remembering how he yelled at a flight attendant who wanted him to turn off his phone while playing Words With Friends.
6. After which I also recalled that Alec Baldwin has more money, power and opportunities than I do - oh and did I mention that I am eating celery sticks and carrots for dinner tonight because my part time job barely pays anything but allows me the flexibility I need to pursue my dreams of having my own sketch comedy show on television, something I’ve been working at for, um, like, A REALLY LONG TIME?????? boy those carrot sticks are fucking delicious!!!!!!! - and probably ever will have, if all my years of life as an adult are any indication and thought, “Do I really need to give this person I don’t care about and who seems like a shitty person my time and attention?”
7. Then I was like, “No.”
I’m not sure that I agree that Alec Baldwin is a homophobe. I don’t know. I’ve heard gay people call other gay people “toxic little queens” and it just doesn’t seem as bad to me as calling your own 11 year old daughter a “nasty little pig.” The bottom line I guess is that I have work to do, and reading why Alec Baldwin is or isn’t doing anything is kind of irrelevant to my - hang on the phone is ringing again! - life.
you can see me perform at Caroline’s on Wednesday Feb. 26 as part of the Hersterical fundraiser for Gilda Radner’s charity, Gilda’s Club
and every month at UCB in the Livia Scott Sketch Program (“fast becoming one of the best & most imaginative shows in the city.” -The New York Times)